Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Sometimes my blessings are also my trials - Is that ok?

I know I shouldn't complain.  I always feel horribly ungrateful when I vent.  But here I go anyway.

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  The babies have passed illness  back and forth for two weeks.  Which means I've been mainly on house arrest for two weeks.  For a day or two I think we are all done with it, and then the next day one of them comes down with something else.  It's nothing too bad.  Just colds, double (so then...quadruple) ear infections, we had our first experience with hand foot and mouth disease, and Gabe had a horrible allergic reaction to the antibiotic.  It could be {much} worse.

But then what we have is several nights in a row with someone up every hour or two.  I paid my dues.  Camille is nine months old now and I don't want to be doing that any more (how whiny is that sentence?).  In addition to that, I had two or three days in a row with Gabe screaming all the way through his nap.  Which always woke up Camille.  For a couple of days there was literally no break from fussy babies.

Why wouldn't this come at one of Marty's busiest times of the year?  I've been almost totally on my own for two weeks with screaming babies.  Screaming.  And more screaming.  That does something to a person.  I dare you to endure that much screaming and not develop a twitch.  Last week I put off the grocery store for five days, thinking surely Marty would be available before 9:30 at night and he could take the screaming babies while I seek solace at Walmart, of all places.  No dice.  The last day we basically had stuffing for dinner.

We've had home projects that have been piling up for months that simply can't be put off any longer.  Like, our washing machine has been leaking for months now and I'm a little worried about it falling through the floor into the kitchen.  We bought a cheap entertainment center off Craig's list so we can finally put our TV and wires and plugs away, but it has a ton of work needing to be done.  And we've already had one rainstorm while it's waiting for us outside, so there is a rush.  Marty runs from one place and one project to the next.  I'm not sure why I have the right to think this is any harder on me.  But he has always handled things more gracefully than I have, so no surprise there.  He's amazing.

Due to babies I have missed out on dates, the temple open house, getting to teach Marty's seminary classes I had worked so hard prepping for, park days, play dates, girl's days, and the occasional breather somewhere around town just to reclaim myself a little.

That's a simplification of the situation, as I don't feel like going any more personal on a public blog.  But, stick a fork in me.  I'm done.

Actually, I think I am almost done.  The babies have been healthy for a couple days now.  Unfortunately they have finally figured out how to be jealous of each other when I am holding the other one.  But I can take that as long as I'm getting a few quiet minutes in the afternoon and a little bit more sleep.

By the way, I now find people who brag about their kids' good health to be insufferable.  There is nothing like feeling you have put everything you can possibly do into keeping them healthy and then feeling like their sickness and suffering is all your fault anyway.  Just sayin.'  Cause I'm such a ray of sunshine lately.

ANYWAY, it's ok.  I knew what I had signed up for.  The "If it's so awful, then why d'ya have so many kids?" mentality moms are sometimes subject to has surprisingly not phased me.  It was very convenient that the lesson I was prepping for was "The moral force of women."  It's given me a little more sanity and physical endurance when I thought I was at the end of my rope.  Eternal perspective is everything when I find myself in situations like this (these couple of weeks are not my first rodeo).  And eternal perspective is not something I find in abundance unless I'm holding tight to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  This isn't initially what I was planning for today, but in his talk, Elder Christofferson, in reference to women, uses the word Influence 16 times, Authority:  8 times, Power:  7 times, Force:  7 times, Courage: 4 times, Teach: 4 times, and Contribution: twice.  That's in addition to other power phrases like: moral foundation, positive influence at work in society, uniquely beneficial, women’s strength and standing, influenced all around her, sacrificed, performed feats…that were near superhuman, ennobled by blessing others, make the community a better place, indispensable, powerfully felt, beneficially employed, lead, guardians of the well-spring of life, civilizing influence in society, lift others to virtue, etc.  It didn't used to be hard for me to feel that way, but now it takes effort.  So here I am making the effort. :)  

I am totally aware that this post sounds very dramatic (because I'm sure it's a well-kept secret that I have a flair for the dramatic) over just a couple of busy and yucky weeks.  Again, I know I have it so, so good and have been so lucky to miss out on so many of the trials I see other's having to go through.

But it's still been really hard.

But that's ok, because I can do hard things.