I hate it when...

I hate it when I go back and read my blog and I make myself sound like a good person.  What I write is true, but it's what I don't write about myself that's so incriminating.  Anyway, that's my disclaimer for the day.

:)

The Millie May at eight months

This is a very extreme overload of pictures, but I feel like we somehow managed to catch every one of her expressions, and I can't bear to delete any of them!  Plus I may be feeling a bit guilty over not having written enough about this little burst of sunshine.  So here we go:

This is our sweeter-than-punkin-pie baby girl.  She'll be the baby for quite sometime and I'm trying to snatch as many free minutes as I have the energy to love on her.

Camille's Pet names: Chameleon, Millie, Millie May, Millie May Today (from a song Marty sings to her),  Mill (which I said I'd never call her, but it's what Gabe always calls her and it's stuck for all of us), and Darlin' (which Gabe also calls her - cutest thing EVER).  The one nickname I envisioned we might all say from time to time, Cam, is pretty much never used.  I guess she's just more of a Millie.

She is such a happy, mellow and content baby.  In that way, she's similar in personality to Gabe.  However, she's more vocal than he ever was.  She does this funny growling sound all the time, and has been doing it since she was tiny.  She cooed, squealed, and talked early and makes lots of sounds, and they are mostly all happy ones!  At five months old she started saying "Ma" when she would cry and I figured it was just a fluke and she was too young for that.  But when Marty and my mom and the kids all heard it, and she would look right at me with a pitiful face while saying it, I realized she was serious and wanted Ma.

So far, this little thing is painfully shy.  My first.  I guess it's my turn for one of those.  I can't hand her off to anyone without her having a panic attack and screaming at the top of her lungs.  She'll go to Daddy, B&B, Grandma O, and our friend across the street (which is why I was so relieved she was there while Marty was in the hospital).  She's been taken out of Sacrament meeting by a number of people while I've been playing the organ and Marty's been juggling the babies.  Sometimes it's just easier for me to play piano is RS or wherever while holding her.  It's not a separation anxiety thing, because she'll be left to her own devices just fine in the house and doesn't mind a bit if I leave her in her room alone.  It's just a stranger anxiety issue.  I'm trying not to give in to her, because I just can't. I have a life to live, and one that doesn't (yet) include the luxury of having many relatives nearby who she knows and warms up to.  The one thing I've almost given up on is baby-sitters.  Marty and I have been pretty good in the past about hiring sitters for dates, but she just doesn't calm down for them and I feel bad for the poor girls.  Maybe she'll grow out of it...

I'm grateful she's been such a sweet and calm infant.  For the first month and a half of her life, she was as cranky and spitty as can be.  She projectile vomited (across the room) at least once a day and was just fussy in general.  This hit my post-partum sanity pretty hard and I was bracing myself for a tumultuous seven months like we spent with Baby Bryce.  She had an ultra-sound to try and figure out what was going on with the vomiting, but we just never found anything and after about 5 or 6 weeks, she was down to once a day, then every other day, then once a week, and she finally stopped.

However, the projectile vomiting started back up at 6 months, but only when I gave her rice cereal.  She'd eat it fine, but then randomly vomit and hour or two later.  So I finally took her off of it and just started giving her baby food.  But, STINKER!!  She has a hyper-sensitive gag reflex and I cannot give her anything green!  About two out of three times, she'll eat it, gagging all the while, and eventually gag so hard she'll throw up the entire contents of her stomach!  I hate to be a quitter and give in to my kids, but it's just not worth it anymore.

But other than the stranger-anxiety and all the vomiting, she is seriously low-maintenance and high-yield.  Strange terms to use on a baby, I know, but they serve the purpose.  She entertains herself fabulously.

Probably another reason she seems low-maintenance is because the other three can so often be found entertaining her.  They fight over her the same as they do over certain toys.  They take turns, sometimes with the timer, and are very particular about getting their fair share.  It's a pretty sweet deal for me.  Yes, four little ones are a lot of work, but the perk of them entertaining each other is a big one.

Gabe becomes more attentive all the time, as she loves him and laughs at him more and more.  I pray hard that he will be intuitive about how he can treat her, and what is ok and not ok to do with Baby.  I'm impressed at how naturally he seems to pick up on the rules.  He's very good about snatching away an inappropriate object ("No no, Baby!") and handing her a toy ("Heeee, Mill!").  I do still catch him sitting on her from time to time, but the funny thing is she doesn't seem to mind.  She makes him giggle, and it's often followed by, "ooooh, cuuuuuute!"  When we go to get her from her nap he says, "Hiiiii, Darlin'!"  There are a million other examples of the sweet attention Gabe pays to Camille.  Oh, and if her hand ever goes to her mouth, all three siblings spring into action to knock it away.  She's used to that commotion now, and it no longer gives her a heart attack.

She's a champion sleeper, and has been from the beginning.  She starting sleeping through the night at 2 months and hardly ever has an off-night.  Being a thumb-sucker might have something to do with it.

She's an efficient scooter and has been practicing her crawling for a couple weeks now.  I predicted she'd be crawling by Christmas.  Her birthday is just two days after Bryce's, so it's fun to compare their milestones.  Bryce crawled right before Christmas.  She took her first crawling steps about a week after Christmas.  But she still uses scooting for her main mode of transportation.  She'll crawl a few steps, rock back and forth, and then (quickly!) scoot wherever she's headed.  Usually the bathroom upstairs or the tile downstairs.

She started clapping a couple weeks ago and is shy about that, too.  The cycle goes like this:  She'll clap, I'll praise her, she'll look down, then smile and bury her head in my chest.  Then repeat.  She buries her head every time.  I can't get enough of it.

She is our fourth snuggly baby!  I guess it's in the genes.  She'll let me rock her in her rocking chair for as long as I want and nestle right into me.  Plus, I get more of the shy smile.  When I smile down at her, she smiles and buries her head.

We just stopped nursing last week.  It was time.  I'm sad, but not quite as much as I usually am.  Might have something to do with the fact that I've been pregnant, nursing, pregnant again AND nursing, and then nursing some more for the last three years.

She's a tiny little thing.  A few months ago she was tall and low in weight, and actually lost an ounce from her doctor appointment a couple months before.  So then we got to experience the joy of weight checks.  She lost most of her newborn hair and it seems to be growing in lighter with more red.  I still think she looks like Brynn, but I've heard from a few that knew Brynn as a baby that they don't see it.  She grinds her teeth, which is funny, because she barely has her uppers.  It makes me shudder.

Basically, she is as sweet as can be and has captured our hearts and has all five of us wrapped around her little finger.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  I love to watch the kids maul her as much as I love to do the job myself.  That's been one of my big surprises of parenting.  I didn't consider how much joy it would bring me to watch my kids interact (I was, however, anticipating the trial of it, and was right to do so!).  Awe, Camille May!!!  Stop growing so fast!!!

More back yard pics

Yes, once again I am posting way too many of these.  I'm going to try not to overwhelm myself here.  It's easy to do if I feel like I have to write every single thing about every kid.  I know I'll beat myself up later for all the important things I didn't write, but...oh well.  I'll get to what comes to mind first and just move on.

Here is the Brynnie-Pie.  She turned seven last month and that seems so old, but at the same time, lately she seems so old.  

This year she had a bit of a rough start in school, which was very unexpected for me.  She made friends with everyone as always, but then there were just girly issues between some of them.  Also, her teacher's very strict style (which I think is just fine, by the way) threw her for a loop and she didn't know what to make of all this.  Finally one night around 10:00 I came in her room to put some laundry away and she was awake and crying and saying she never wanted to go back to school.  That's when I finally decided to take her more seriously, like I should have done in the first place.  I really hate getting involved because I want her to learn how to solve problems on her own, and I don't want to be that parent.  But it actually didn't take much for us to go in together and resolve the issues.  I guess I still have so much to learn about that delicate balance of fostering independence but also stepping in for my seven-year-old.  But she has her irrepressible enthusiasm and energy and love back for school, just like she always did.  

Her favorite books to read are the American Girl series (favorites among those are Addy, Felicity, and Samantha) and the Rainbow Magic fairy books.  I often have to go in and take the book away.  Makes my heart happy every time, even when she whines about it.  She excels in school and every subject seems easy for her.  Her teacher says she is very natural at writing and that she devours science, and I'm sure I partly have her school to thank for that (it focuses heavily on science).  Her favorite science topics are minerals, Antarctica, paleontology (although she has ditched her desire to be a paleontologist in favor of fashion design), and she loves archaeology.  She's got a giant archaeology book from G&G that is heavier than she is and I love watching her struggle to carry it around with her.  

She's still as easy as ever to raise, but I feel quite a burden on my shoulders to not mess this up.  One of her greatest strengths is the gift to delightfully occupy her time.  I never feel like I have to find her things to do.  The main things that occupy her these days are barbies, The Six (her sparkly princesses - they are like family to us all at this point), her ponies, her professional art kit from Grandpa, a simple pencil and paper, swinging, riding her bike, and Barbie.com (I'm learning to deal with it).

She is as intuitive as ever.  Kind, caring, compassionate, sympathetic, in-tune with the Spirit, and always wants to make sure everyone is OK.  She just brought home an award from school for caring/compassion.  I don't know if it was a school thing or a class thing, but it was nice to see it recognized.  On the flip side of that, I think she also rubs some kids (and their parents) the wrong way when she intervenes to make sure everyone is "being good."  She tries so hard to be good, because she wants to be, and wants everyone else to do the same and it comes across as, well, sanctimonious.  We're working on it.

We are also working on that little temper of hers.  She tries so hard to be patient and hold so much in for so long and then the volcano errupts and she ends up punching her brother.  Honestly, I'm trying so hard not to laugh as I type that.  It's rare, but it's a good show.  She prays often for help with her temper.  Something we are also working on is focus.  Her mind still wanders into "Brynn World" and I know her teacher has issues bringing her back to the real world.  One day she came home so upset because for a little while she had been on yellow.  When I asked her why, she said, "I couldn't stop think about Jean Valjean and Les Miserable and the music was so beautiful that I didn't want it to get out of my brain, and I wanted to finish the songs in my brain."  So, by the way, yes, she is well-versed in that musical.  No, I did not let her watch the the movie.  Yes, we did watch the PBS stage production of it.  Both the 15 year and the 25 year.  A number of times.  No, I did not let her watch every song.  I got it from the library for myself, and was so pleasantly surprised by the interest she showed in the music and the story, and so much of that is so praiseworthy, I might have gotten slightly carried away.  I may or may not have written out the Castle on a Cloud lyrics so she could be my little songbird while I played piano.  What's your point?

To some up Brynn?  A delightful do-gooder, learner, and a privilege to raise.

The Brycer-Boo:  Less willing to sit still for a picture.  He is much too busy for something like that, so I have fewer of them.  And believe it or not, when I pulled out the camera he was dead-set on taking control and deciding on his own what poses he wanted to do.  There is no talking Bryce out of his own ideas for himself, so here they are. :)

Bryce's will is still a force to be reckoned with.  It's so funny to me how opposite he is from Brynn, but maybe that's why they are such good friends.  He doesn't like to be told what to do, but the older he gets the better he gets at accepting that there are some choices he can make for himself and there are some that Mommy must make.  Lately, his desire to be a really good boy has taken over the...I-don't-want-to-be-told-what-to-do side of him.  Marty and I are completely shocked at the change we have seen come over him.  Lately when we ask at FHE if he has any questions, they are things like, "How can I stop teasing Brynn so much?" I sat down with him and Brynn one day to talk about New Year's Resolutions and he took it so seriously and came up with goal after goal, and many of them showed such a desire to be a good boy.  And he is such a good boy.  He just never seems to be in trouble any more.  I'm always so afraid I'm going to fail Bryce because our personalities are so different and I'm trying so hard to understand where he is coming from.  He is always on his best behavior at preschool, primary, and for baby-sitters.  Unless they are all lying to me, but I've seen it in every situation.  I think where Brynn's obedience is just natural for her, his is learned, and that makes me even more impressed to see how hard he is working at it.  He really is an amazing little boy.  One that I think has all the makings to go out and rock the world.

If you ask Bryce what his talents are, he'll probably mention being smart and, babies.  "Bryce, what are your talents?"  "Babies."  It's true, he is sooooooo good to his little brother and sister and so very helpful for me.  He loves them with all his passionate, intense, and exuberant little heart.  A lot of fights erupt between him and Gabe (come to think of it, if a fight erupts, it usually involves Bryce, haha!), so I was worried for a while that they wouldn't be the best of friends, but I don't think I really have to worry about that now.  Everyone always seems to be seeking out Bryce.
Marty:  "Bryce, come take a nap with me!"
Emily: "Bryce, come snuggle with me!"
Brynn: "Bryce, come be the bad guy!"
Gabe: "Bice!  Heeee!  Choo-choo!  Zoom!  Heeeee! (Here)"
Camille:  Her giggles for Bryce are all that's needed to reel him in.
And he can't get enough of all the attention.  At his heart, I think he's a serious extrovert.  I swear, it's like he gets totally depressed when he is alone, or has to do anything by himself.  Which is why quiet time is such an epic fail every time he doesn't nap.  I need time to myself, Brynn needs time to herself, the babies need to nap, and he wanders around traumatized and as aimless as a Walmart shopper without a greeter.  Even if I've found him something to do first, he can hardly bear the thought of doing it alone.  Don't get me wrong, he wants to do everything "by myself!" but just not alone.

His current likes are:  Trains (still), Avengers (though he hasn't seen the movie), legos, cars, Hexbugs, riding his Planes bike, playing out on the playset (but only if someone else is out there!), and TV!!  I'm having a bit of a change of heart where his movie-watching is concerned.  I have been associating TV with parenting-failure-moment.  And I'm remembering that I'm his mom.  I am starting to see that there is a reason he wears me down so hard over the chance to watch a movie (because actually we haven't had TV at our house for some time), and I actually think it's ok for him sometimes.  I'm starting to think that he is such an intense little whirlwind that he actually really needs some time to calm down, sit, focus on just one thing at a time for a few minutes, and it's something he can do alone as he can't read very well yet.  (Excuse my moment of empowerment if it sounds snotty.)  While we are on the subject, his favorite movies are any Ice Age, any Scooby-doo (except the new ones - apparently they are ALL sorts of wrong), Cars, Planes, Peter Pan, and Monsters.

I wasn't sure what to expect from school.  We were at odds so often during Mommy School and he had such a hard time following any directions he didn't see value in.  But his teacher is amazing and their personalities seem to just click.  She has really brought out the best in him and pushes him so hard.  If that were the case with Brynn, I might have thought it wasn't really necessary.  But what we are finding out about Bryce is that he thrives off of being pushed hard.  He wants to do hard things and gets bored if he's just going through the motions of something he already knows.  He hates, hates, hates to color, and isn't too fond of writing either.  His dexterity hasn't caught up to his brain and that's frustrating for him.  He's reading!  He bulldozed through every set of books in the classroom, so Santa brought him some more.  He's not ready yet to pick up just any book and read it, but I've been shocked by how easy it's been.  It's like his brain already knows what to do to make the words come together.  And just when I am wondering how on earth to explain a principle in reading he just does it and I think, well, that was easy.  I think that he's picked up so much by osmosis because he's always been right there while Brynn has learned to read and has done her homework.  How nice is that?  He loves his teacher.  Loves.  He loves all of his little friends, he loves his siblings, he loves deeply and has the enthusiasm to back it up with the greatest hugs you've ever had.  He's a lover.

To sum up Bryce:  A self-determined, loving little whirlwind who knows when it's time to be gentle.

The Gaber-Smack:  Not in his most photogenic phase. :)  What two-year-old is?  Gabe just turned two a couple months ago, so now I feel a little bad about always lumping him in with "the babies" but it's awfully convenient.

He is finally exploding with words.  It's like now that he has perfected a number of words and can see how efficient it is to communicate that way, he finally has the motivation and confidence to try any word.  And he keeps trying until we understand, and we usually do, eventually.

Gabe is a pretty independent kid.  He's a two-year-old, so he gets very fussy when I won't give him the attention he wants when I'm in the kitchen, or the bathroom, but actually I think that's just part of being a toddler and that naturally, he's independent.  I think he's an introvert, but not shy.  I don't really take him to things like the library story time.  My first two loved that, but he's just not engaged with what's going on.  He'd rather just find a book or explore.  And not usually in a naughty/rambunctious way (though sometimes it is), but more in a "you guys go ahead and do your thing and I'll do mine, it's all good" kind of way.  Another example of that is when I drop him off in nursery or at his baby group.  He's excited to go and be with friends, but that doesn't mean he'll interact.  He seems to mostly want to interact on his own terms and when he's in the mood.  He's also still a cautious little thing and I'm impressed how much he seems to think things through as opposed to my previous toddlers (ex: I've never caught him hanging from the chandelier).

Likes:  Books, balls, and cars are still his very favorite things.  Planes are becoming more and more his main interest.  And there are a LOT of planes flying over our house on a daily basis (but I didn't notice how many until he started pointing it out every time he heard one!).  He's a terrible eater, but I'm not as anxious as I might be over that because at least he chugs his green smoothie every day.  Because I'm such a good mom, I usually fold like a cheap card table when he asks me for a treat (a dumdum).  He is still a hilarious hoarder and we found a bucket full of candy wrappers he's been using for who knows how long.  He loves to go on walks and wishes I would take him out for more.  But I take him out fairly often in the bike trailer (it's easier on my feet) and he could ride in that thing all day.  Still snuggles, but snuggles like he has the attention span of a two-year-old.  Still a champion sleeper and napper.

To sum up Gabe:  A sweet, mellow, loving TWO-YEAR-OLD.  Nuff said?  This two shall pass, right?  I mean, I've dealt with worse tantrums than his.

And here are my sweeties.  My thoughts constantly revolve around them, as do my prayers, my energy, my actions.  As unflattering as this is, it's hard sometimes to pause and halt all those things and give it to others, especially myself.  I know that sounds really self-centered, but it's like I know they are the most important thing I'll ever do, they rely on me so much, and they are all so young that they just need me to do so many things for them.  I have to remind myself that doing things for others, in addition to the kids, will bless their lives, not take something away from them.  I can't believe I'm writing these thoughts out, but it's true.  I think I've never been the best multi-tasker.  I like to focus on one thing at a time, and they take up so much of that.  In addition to that, my home is becoming quite the comfort zone for me, and I do have a part of me that's just plain shy, and after all the health/pregnancy issues I've been through the last couple of years, hunkering down at home, I'm trying hard lately to open myself up to people more.  But I digress....

I can't say enough about how much I love to see them interact.  I was about to classify the best friendships between them, but I couldn't do it because I would end up listing every possible combination.  But of course there is so much sparring between them also.  It's enough to make me want to bury myself under my sheets some days and let the whole thing play out.  But B&B do better together all the time and are rarely without the other one.  Because I was pretty distanced between my brothers, I have no idea how their boy/girl relationship with play out in time.  I suspect that at some point their gender differences will be too drastic "play together" but I'd rather not even think about it.  The biggest fights we have these days are between Bryce and Gabe.  There is less of Bryce teasing because he's bored (which is what the fights were usually about between him and Brynn), and more of wanting to play with the same toys and being at odds.  We are all trying to teach Gabe, but we've seen that because he's been the baby, he can cry and the kids will give him whatever he want.  Well, now he's less of a baby, and Bryce doesn't want to just give him whatever he wants whenever he cries and that leads to serious Gabe meltdowns.  We're working on it.

I hate to slap a label on them, so I'll not include this in the blog book I'm always intending to make, but I believe I have everything on the spectrum.  Beginning at the oldest, an outgoing extravert, a shy extravert, an outgoing introvert, and a shy introvert.  I know I must sound ridiculous to think I could have a handle on that when two are still babies and that I'll be wrong on one or all of them. But there's my soft prediction.

I'm discovering that, while it's nice to have some at school or playgroups because the house is a little quieter, it's not necessarily less work for me because when they are all together they entertain each other so well.

I used to be completely overwhelmed by the prospect of raising a child.  But I was told once, in a very spiritual meeting, that basically I should raise my kids in a home of love and kindness where the principles of the gospel were taught and lived.  Not that that is easy, but it simplified things so much for me.  Yes, that's important and if I can manage those very simple (again, not easy) things, I'll be ok.  I'll never be perfect at that.  I've lost my cool more times than I care to admit on a public blog and a person like me is SO very lucky to have a knowledge of and access to the Atonement, as ridiculously flawed as I am.  But I do think these kiddos are being raised in a home of love and kindness (except right before naptime and bedtime when I'm even fussier than the babies) where the principles of the gospel are (as imperfect people at least try) taught and lived.